learning to trust
by rock spirit
Summary: Lucas learns there are people that he can trust.Deals with cutting. Please read and review. Up dated after a long time. Chapter 5 up now.
1. chapter 1lucas

"Lucas to the bridge immediately"  
  
It's announced throughout seaquest on the loudspeakers. Damn, what do they want now, somebody must have messed up the computer systems again or something. Normally I wouldn't have minded, its nice to feel needed on this old metal tub once in awhile, but I'd just gone through the torture of having a conversation with my father, the famous Doctor Walencezk. And I didn't feel up to facing the Captain and the rest of the crew yet.  
  
And although it had been through vidlink so he couldn't yell at me directly, it had still made me feel pretty bad, which meant more pain, more cuts and more scars to hide. Some of the things he'd said had really hurt deep. He said Captain Bridger had called him to complain about me again, which I didn't understand, because I thought everything was going great. I was on my best behaviour, I wasn't cutting nearly as much as I used to, I'd almost started to trust him, but I know better then to trust adults.  
  
But I'd come so close to telling him everything the other day.  
  
FLASHBACK It had been a really bad day, everybody seemed to have something that they needed done immediately, and I'd just got really stressed out and then Ford had yelled at me because I'd said I would have the new security program ready for him by then, and I didn't.  
  
I was so out of it by the end of the day that I just went straight to my quarters and got out the razor blade that I kept specially for this purpose and did five or six really deep cuts on my left arm. I went a bit crazy and did them deeper then I normally do, but as I watched the blood flow the sense of release was immediate and I felt all the problems of the day just slipping away. It was only when I tried to stand to go get some tissue that I was overcome with a bout of dizziness and nausea. I cursed myself for having missed lunch that day, that on top of these deep cuts meant I was liable to faint unless I got some food inside me pretty quick.  
  
So I cleaned my cuts and put on a long sleeved shirt over my T-shirt to cover the scars, old and new, and I set of for the Mess hall. With every step I took I felt worse until I had to stop and lean against a wall to catch my breath, it wasn't till I looked up and was faced with the Captain staring at me worriedly that I realised where I'd stopped, right outside the Captains quarters.  
  
"Lucas, are you all right? You look a little pale",  
  
He asks me, and he looked so honestly concerned about my welfare that I found myself wanting to tell him everything, I wanted to reach down, pull up my sleeve and show him my scars, I wanted him to make everything better. But I caught myself before I told him anything, I'd fallen into this trap before by telling one of the lectures at collage. Look where that had got me ended up, here on seaquest, not the worst place to be, but there where certainly better places for a fifteen year old to spend their time. So instead of letting him into my little world of self-harm, I simply answered,  
  
"Yes sir, I'm fine, just hungry" he seemed to accept that as a suitable answer and I stumbled off in the direction of the Mess hall.  
  
END FLASHBACK  
  
As I think back on how close I'd come to telling him, I shudder, then suddenly,  
  
"Lucas to the bridge, NOW!" is blared over the speakers, I jump and realise how much time I've spent in my memories. I pull down the sleeve on my T- shirt, nobody seems to have noticed how I always wear long sleeved garments, even in these hot summer months.  
  
I set off running to the bridge, it's a good thing I didn't cut deep this time, otherwise I never would have been able to make it to the bridge 


	2. problems emerge

Sorry I was supposed to do this on the first chapter but I didn't. None of the characters in this story belongs to me. Please don't sue me, I don't really own anything you'd want anyway.  
  
Warning; this story deals with self-harm, if this makes you uncomfortable or you may find it triggering please do not read it.  
  
Please review. I really love reviews. I really love people who review. Have I sucked up enough yet to make you review?  
  
  
  
Part 2  
  
As soon as I make it onto the bridge I realise something isn't right, first off everybody stares at me, but no one says hi. Normally they at least say hi, only then does it hit me that maybe I've done something wrong, and that I've been called to get told off.  
  
I look over and see the Captain and Ford heading over towards me, they both look determined, Ford looks a little angry, but the Captain just looks disappointed. I'm going into panic mode, I'm raking my mind trying to remember anything I might have done wrong recently but I cant think of anything, besides which my arms starting to sting from the fabric of my top rubbing against my new cuts. The Captain starts to speak,  
  
"Mr Walencezk, Commander Ford has just informed me that you have still failed to install the new security system, do you have anything to say for yourself?"  
  
Oh god, he never calls me Mr Walencezk, it's always been Lucas unless I've really messed up. It's not fair, I've been trying my hardest to do everything right, to be quiet to not cause any trouble, yet I still manage to mess up. I'm mad at myself, I like the Captain, I want him to be proud of me, I don't want him mad at me, but then it doesn't matter what I want. Anyway didn't I just have to put up with my father yelling at me because the good old Captain phoned him to complain about me? Ford speaks up now,  
  
"So you don't have any excuses for yourself, Lucas I understand that you're just a child but that doesn't give you the excuse to be lazy and neglect your duties,"  
  
Oh he's done it now, nobody calls me a child, especially when I'm in this mood and gets away with it, so I look up into his face, and summoning up every bit of sarcasm and wit that I have, and I start my reply which is probably gona get me in a hell of a lot of trouble later, but at the moment I don't care, I just wana get out some of this bad feeling that I have inside.  
  
"You think I'm lazy, that I neglect my duties, shit," I know what I want to say but I cant seem to get it out, I look around and see the rest of the crews shocked expressions at my swearing, I carry on,  
  
"I mean, Fuck Captain, I work as hard if not harder then the rest of you, cos when your shift finishes you can just turn around and go to bed or whatever, but I sit at my computer till four in the morning sometimes to try and finish whatever fucking impossible task you've set me this time." I have to stop to breathe, the captain and ford look majorly shocked. I turn and carry on my speech to the Captain,  
  
"Look Captain I'm not a kid, I know how to look after myself, it just gets real difficult to cope when everyone's pushing stuff at me, that has to be done right then and there, and sometimes I forget stuff, but I mean I don't mean to, just give me a fucking chance for gods sake." I'm yelling by now, nearly in tears.  
  
Somebody grabs at my shoulder from behind me, and my instincts tell me to take a swing at them, because I'm so mad at the whole world at the moment I don't care who it is, so I turn and punch at whoever's behind me. As my right fist makes contact with Ben's face someone behind me grabs my left arm to pull me back,  
  
"Owwww" I yell out in pain they've gripped my cuts, I look up and see that its Ford who's grabbed my arm. He releases it at my cry, I pull my arm in towards me to protect it, I look down and see fresh blood seeping through my T-shirt, Ford's grip must have opened up the cuts again causing them to bleed afresh.  
  
"Lucas are you alright?" the Captain asks me. I look down at my arm and back away from him, I just wana get away, how could everything go so wrong in such little time. I back straight into Ben and I'm feeling so dizzy I almost fall over, Ben places his arms around my waist to keep me in a standing position, I'm glad he's here he's been my best friend on this sub since I got here.  
  
"Captain, we better get him to medbay, he's bleeding" Ben says pointing to my arm, the Captain and Ford both look at my arm and are shocked to see he's right,  
  
"I didn't grab hard enough to make him bleed, I'm sure I didn't!" Ford says puzzled.  
  
"Here, let me take a look at your arm, Lucas?" the Captain asks,  
  
"No!" I cry out and pull my arm tighter into my body, I panic, he can't see my scars, then there'll know and there'll all hate me even more and think I'm a freak.  
  
"It's alright Lucas, we'll just take you down to medbay and then Doctor Westphalen can look after your arm and everything will be fine." Ben says soothingly in my ear, "OK." He asks, I'm too tired to put up anymore of a fight so I just nod my head.  
  
So with Ben basically carrying me and with the Captain and Ford in front and behind we head down to medbay where there'll all find out my secret. 


	3. bleeding

Thanks to everyone that reviewed. It means a lot to me to know that people read, and at the moment Like my work.  
  
Please carry on reviewing. Do I have to go into the whole begging thing again, cos you should know, I will!  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Chapter 3  
  
  
  
I'm sitting on top of a bed in medbay, the Captains outside talking to Doctor Westphalen, he's probably telling her about everything I did and said on the bridge. I can't believe I swore at them like that, that's not like me, well not like the me I want these people to know.  
  
Ben's standing looking at me from the other side of the room, I don't know where Ford's disappeared to, and at the moment I don't care. In my mind I blame him for what's happened, if he hadn't told the Captain about me not doing that damn stupid security project then this wouldn't have happened in the first place.  
  
I know this is a stupid way to think, and I realise that he had to grab my arm in case I'd hurt Ben, oh god, I wonder if Ben's alright, I don't know how hard I hit him. I'm looking at his face trying to see if I've caused a bruise when he suddenly looks up and catches me staring intently at him, he stands up and walks over to me, he sits down next to me on the bed. I just stare down at my arm, which I'm still cradling to my chest, I don't know why, it doesn't even hurt anymore, I was making a fuss over nothing as usual.  
  
He starts to speak,  
  
"Lucas, don't worry that feeble little punch didn't do any damage, we'll have to work on your right hook later though" there he goes, straight into it with all his charm, somehow he just makes me feel safe.  
  
" I have a feeling that you don't want the Doctor or anybody else to look at or treat your arm" he asks questioningly, he's looking at me intently, like he's trying to read my mind through my eyes.  
  
"Well, am I right?" he wants an answer, I realise, I dunno what to say, so I try to mumble out a reply.  
  
"It.it's just I," god, what the hell am I on about, he's still looking at me so I force myself to continue,  
  
"I just, I do this thing sometimes, and they cant see my arm cos then they'll find out about it, and then it'll all go wrong and that cant happen, I don't want that to happen!" my voice breaks on that last bit, damn I'm close to tears, that's the last thing I need right now, to break down crying in front of Ben.  
  
He's looking worried now, and he keeps glancing down at my arm, I know he's looking at the blood that's soaked into my T-shirt.  
  
He starts to speak, soft and slow, like he's frightened he'll scare me away,  
  
"What do you do Lucas? You need to tell me or somebody else, it doesn't have to be me, you just need to let somebody know you're alright?"  
  
I shake my head. I can't tell him I can't tell anybody, I wouldn't even know how to get the words out.  
  
"Come on Lucas, you can trust me you know you can,"  
  
When I continue to shake my head no, he reaches over to take my arm and says,  
  
"I'm just gona take a look at your arm, you don't have to say anything, its alright,"  
  
I try to pull away but he's really strong and he's got a good grip on my arm and I just can't get away,  
  
"Aghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh" I scream at the top of my voice, I've shocked him enough to make him let go for a few seconds, and I take my opportunity and jump off the bed, but what I haven't realised is that Doctor Westphalen and the Captain had re-entered the room, and I fall straight into the doctors arms.  
  
"Shhhhh, its alright Lucas, come on everything's gona be just fine, come on calm down," she whispers soothingly into my ear as she places her arms around my shoulders and leads me back to the bed.  
  
Ben moves and helps her to lye me down, I feel like I should say something but I don't know what, I'm crying now, really badly, tears blurring my vision. Why do I always have to be so useless, why cant I ever do anything right.  
  
" Lucas I'm gona take a look at your arm now, ok. I think I know what's happened but I need to see for myself," the Doctor says as she reaches down and picks up my left arm, slowly, slowly ever so slowly I see her edge the sleeve of my T-shirt up bit by bit. I cant look, but I hear them all gasp as they see the marks there, I look now and see them, hundreds of them there are, old ones which have turned white and look like little worms on my skin, and the newer ones which are bright pinks and reds, and then there are the latest ones which are still open and wet and gaping.  
  
"Lucas, how could you do this to yourself?" it's the captain asking me this in a bewildered voice.  
  
"Easy, the same way you can just go and rat me out to my father every time you don't think I'm doing well" I blurt out.  
  
I'm waiting for an answer, but he doesn't offer me one, instead, the Doctor, Kristin, is what she told me to call her the first time I met her, I don't know if it still counts now I'm her patient but I don't ponder over the subject for to long. She speaks up now,  
  
"Ok. Everybody out of here except Lucas, he needs to rest and I need to clean up those wounds, so Captain, Lt Krieg if you'd be so kind as to leave then I'll get on with my job." She sounds so determined when she speaks, that they obey.  
  
I wouldn't believe that they would take an order from the ship Doctor, but I saw it with my own eyes, they both turned and left, with a few last glances at me, which I avoided eye contact with by keeping my eyes firmly glued to the ground.  
  
And I'm left with Kristen, my Doctor, who I'm pretty sure wants to do more and go deeper then just these few simple cuts.  
  
Well, my secrets out now. 


	4. chapter 4 calling for help

Sorry this part took a while.  
  
Thanks again to everyone who reviewed please carry on and tell me what you think of the new chapters, and any ideas about what should happen next would be gratefully accepted.  
  
Okay, here's the deal, I write, you review.  
  
  
  
Chapter 4  
  
  
  
I'm trying to sleep now, note the trying to. The doctor finished tending to my cuts a while ago, Kristin also tried to talk to me but I ignored her, pretended I was tired. That was fine as an excuse but now she's left me alone to sleep, and I'm not sleepy.  
  
I know what I need, I need jenny, I always need jenny when things get bad, and she's always been there before. I've known jenny since I was five years old, she was six then so she's a year older then me, but it never seemed to matter, we where always there for each other. She's not a super genius like me or anything, I mean she's not dumb but she's just, average. I know everything about her and she knows everything about me, that's why I need her now, because she knows all my secrets, and she knows how to make everything better.  
  
I'll get hold of her, that's what I'll do, I'll phone her and ask her what I should do and she'll tell me and everything will be fine, maybe I can even get her to come visit me here on seaquest, I don't care what the captain says about it, she's my friend and I need her. There's just one problem, how do I get back to my room to use the vidlink?  
  
Oh damn it, I don't care anymore I think as I pull myself off the bed and walk, actually kind of stumble cos my legs seem to have gone numb or something weird, out of medbay. I'm heading for my room, I expected to have about fifteen heavily guarded men jump on me the moment I set foot out of medbay, but apparently they didn't think I'd try to make a break for it.  
  
I'm heading to my room when the pain comes, really sharp, but its not in my arm where the cuts are, its in my chest, right in the middle, just below where the hollow of my throat is. I remember this pain, I remember the way that, even though it starts off sharp, it'll soon just grow into a dull ache that will settle itself in the middle of my chest till I forget what its like not to feel that way, till I forget what it feels like to just feel normal. But have I ever-felt normal, what does normal feel like?  
  
I've reached my room so I stop this trail of thought, I pull open the door and quickly go over to my desk and sit down in front of the vidlink. If I'm gonna do this I need to do it now, Kristin's probably already discovered me missing and its just a matter of time until the captain or someone comes to find me here.  
  
I reach over, switch on the vidlink, type in her number and wait, I here the buzzing that means its connecting, then I hear a click which means someone's about to answer it. Oh god there's no turning back now.  
  
The screen in front of me flashes into light and I see her, a dark haired princess is how I've always thought of her, and nothings changed, her dark auburn hair hangs gracefully around her shoulders, and her eyes, staring, look like the darkest chocolate you've ever seen, they seem to penetrate my soul.  
  
"Hello" she calls out  
  
"Hi jenny," I stutter, I have this terrible fear that she might have forgotten me, after all these months on this tin can maybe she's made new friends, other people to share herself with.  
  
"Lucas, wow, oh my god its really you, I've missed you so much, what's been going on what's happening with you?" she looks excited and my fears are pushed away, of course she hasn't forgotten me, this is jenny here, she'd never forget me.  
  
"Umm. nothing much really, I mean.there's been a few problems but. I mean..I" god I don't know what to say, how do I explain to her that the only people I actually care about on this damn ship have just found out I'm a basket case.  
  
Well its easier then you'd think actually,  
  
"They found out" I blurt out at her. She looks shocked and slightly disappointed.  
  
"Lucas I thought you'd stopped, you promised me that you'd stop!" I feel bad, I know I promised her that I would stop, but when your all alone, and your not feeling good and your chest seems to have that continuos ache that seems to never go away, you forget about promises and you forget about every other person in the world, you forget about everything except for the pain, that pain that takes everything else away if only for a little while.  
  
"Yeah and I'm really sorry but right now I don't know what to do and I need you to help," I tell her  
  
"Ok. What do need me to do?" she asks, sounding sad and defeated.  
  
"I need you to come see me, here on the seaquest," I say, praying she'll hear me out before hanging up. But instead of arguing and telling me how stupid this is she simply says,  
  
"Ok. How?" and when I get over my shock I inform her of my plan which includes me hiring a shuttle in my fathers name for her to get here on and then me meeting her when she arrives.  
  
"Ok. Lucas I'll be there soon, stay safe till I get there" stay safe is our secret phrase which we invented when we were thirteen, that's when I first started hurting myself, it was just scratches then. I would phone her if I was feeling bad and wanted to cut and say, "I'm not feeling safe" and she would then know what was happening and drop everything to come help me out.  
  
"Yeah okay I will, bye" I say,  
  
"Try Lucas please try, well goodnight, I love you"  
  
"I love you too" I whisper back as she hangs up the connection.  
  
I hadn't realised it was night time, but it is in fact pretty late, I lay down on my bed just as I hear a knocking on my door, and the Captains voice yelling through the steel door.  
  
But I just ignore it and roll over to go to sleep, cos my chest hurts and I'm so god damned tired. 


	5. Suprise

Chapter 5  
  
I must have fallen into a really deep sleep, because I don't remember how long the captain kept up the pounding on my door, but it looks like I slept through all of it.  
  
My arm hurts and my chest hurts and my mind hurts. But when I wake up, the first few bleary looks around my room on seaquest calms me and makes me smile, it doesn't matter what happens, this has been the best home I've ever had, even if it has been only a few months.  
  
I roll onto my side, oh god, bad idea,  
  
"Aghhhh damnit!" I yell as pain shoots up my bandaged arm, I clutch it trying to dull the pain as much as I can.  
  
It's quiet, god, how can a submarine full of people be this quiet? It's unnerving. I look at the clock, and I swear there's something I'm forgetting, it's early morning, really early. What would I have to do this early in the morning? I mean its not like I have any friends to hang out with is it?...  
  
"Oh god damnit!" I yell out loud. Friends, best friends, jenny! Oh god, how could I fall asleep and forget it all like that?  
  
I don't know where the Captains gone but he's not outside my door any longer, that's for certain. I storm out of my room and run down the passageway that leads to the shuttlebay. I'm too late, I know that as soon as I round the corner, I can see there's no one there except the seaman that's on duty guarding it.  
  
I stand there staring, frozen in time as it were, until a voice sounds from behind me,  
  
"Hey Lucas, miss us? Because we sure as hell missed you!" I spin around and find myself standing just a few feet away from my best friend, jenny.  
  
Only it's not jenny that spoke, it's a young boy, around my age, wearing baggy jeans, just like mine, and a short sleeved T-shirt over a long one, just the way I like to, when the Captain, or another aged member of the crew's not telling me how stupid and scruffy it looks. And to finish it off, he looks just like jenny, only male, you know, more masculine.  
  
Then he brings me out of my daze by speaking again, "Lucas man, don't tell me you've forgotten me."  
  
I hear my voice, but I can't remember giving my self permission to speak. "Course I remember you man, it's just been awhile you know."  
  
I mean, of course I remember him, how could I not? He's the main reason I'm here, if it weren't for him calming down my father when we met up with him then I think my father would have gladly let the state place me in a foster home or something.  
  
I'm grateful and everything, but I'm still mad, I wouldn't have even have been in a situation like that if it hadn't been for him, but hell, no, I haven't forgotten him, that's for sure.  
  
"Lucas, sorry, I had to let him come, he wouldn't let me leave till I told him where I was going, and then he demanded on coming with me. There was nothing I could do, honest!" its jenny pleading with me now, I must look like I'm in shock, or mad or something. Shawn's her brother after all, and he's my friend, or at least he used to be, I'm not so sure anymore.  
  
I'm about to answer her, but I don't. I'm just too busy staring at the Captain who's standing right behind her, giving me a death stare right this minute, to be very talkative right now. 


End file.
